anxiety

Anxiety attacks feel like you are dying. You cant breathe and you cry until you throw up. And the worst part is you don't know why. All you know is no matter how rationally you try to talk to yourself your emotions are just to real. Yeah they just suck.

Through the eyes of a child

So today I was babysitting a few kids in my ward and I was given an odd little piece of insight I guess I have never realized. We were watching MegaMind and one of the little boys asked me if Megamind was a good guy or a bad guy. I didn't exactly know what to say though. He is a good guy at the end but he was 'evil' all the way through. See in a childs eyes everything is either black or white there is no gray area. Murder is bad. Stealing is bad. Friends are good. But in every circumstance there is a gray area. Killing someone can be considered as justified when it is in protection of oneself and ones country. Stealing is bad, but in Les mis Jean ValJean steals a loaf of bread to save his family so how does that qualify as bad? Friends are good, unless you choose friends who lead you down the wrong path in life then your friends are not 'good' for you. So suppose that the world was as simple as all that though, suppose everything was completely black and white. There could be no justice. If a person hits a rough patch and does some bad things, but then becomes what the society around us deems as 'good' what does that make them? can there be no redemption in a black and white world? Is that why we have to have gray areas because there can be no redemption and no justice for those who have done 'bad' things? In a black and white world we wouldn't have prisons like we do now, our government wouldn't get away with bending the constitution because it isn't gray...it is black. Anyways just a thought, if everything were black and white we couldn't have beautiful stories like Les Mis or Wicked or anything. No redemption, strange to think about.

vision

So I lay here in bed with insomnia possessing every fiber of my soul. I cant stop thinking about america, weird at 1:30 in the morning I know. I went to Ellis island in April. It touched me so deeply. Every person who came through the doors was coming to America had a story and a reason for wanting to come. 'where my dreaming' and my hoping and my scheming and my praying and my wishing to be happy will come true.' -titanic. See everyone had such hope and such vision when they came here. What was the first thing they saw? The symbol of hope for our country the lady liberty. Liberty implying fairness and freedom, it brought such a feeling of hope to know the first word they encountered in America was liberty. What did they hear after that though? Rough voices harsh words that they didn't understand, confusion and perhaps a sense of hopelessness. Yet they somehow kept their vision of hope in their minds eye and continued toward its shining ray. But for most of them they were met with new terrors they had never encountered in their homelands, and many of the old ones. Their vision of hope ripped away from them before they had any time to find their way. Ohkay that was a random tangeant ha ha. I was trying to get to the part where I talk about their hope in our country and how we have forgotten. They put so much faith in here, and now we have no faith. No faith in the goodness of the lord or he goodness of people. They had such vision for their lives, we are without vision for our country, we no longer see America as she could be but merely what she is already. So you see we have lost our vision. We stopped realizing what it is that makes our country great. We don't remember what people sacrificed to get here. We forgot what they saw for themselves. We are selfish and need to see the greatness of our country. We need our vision back. I feel like I post stuff like this all the time ha ha. I love our country so God bless America forever. I am going to try to sleep now.