anxiety

Anxiety attacks feel like you are dying. You cant breathe and you cry until you throw up. And the worst part is you don't know why. All you know is no matter how rationally you try to talk to yourself your emotions are just to real. Yeah they just suck.

Through the eyes of a child

So today I was babysitting a few kids in my ward and I was given an odd little piece of insight I guess I have never realized. We were watching MegaMind and one of the little boys asked me if Megamind was a good guy or a bad guy. I didn't exactly know what to say though. He is a good guy at the end but he was 'evil' all the way through. See in a childs eyes everything is either black or white there is no gray area. Murder is bad. Stealing is bad. Friends are good. But in every circumstance there is a gray area. Killing someone can be considered as justified when it is in protection of oneself and ones country. Stealing is bad, but in Les mis Jean ValJean steals a loaf of bread to save his family so how does that qualify as bad? Friends are good, unless you choose friends who lead you down the wrong path in life then your friends are not 'good' for you. So suppose that the world was as simple as all that though, suppose everything was completely black and white. There could be no justice. If a person hits a rough patch and does some bad things, but then becomes what the society around us deems as 'good' what does that make them? can there be no redemption in a black and white world? Is that why we have to have gray areas because there can be no redemption and no justice for those who have done 'bad' things? In a black and white world we wouldn't have prisons like we do now, our government wouldn't get away with bending the constitution because it isn't gray...it is black. Anyways just a thought, if everything were black and white we couldn't have beautiful stories like Les Mis or Wicked or anything. No redemption, strange to think about.

vision

So I lay here in bed with insomnia possessing every fiber of my soul. I cant stop thinking about america, weird at 1:30 in the morning I know. I went to Ellis island in April. It touched me so deeply. Every person who came through the doors was coming to America had a story and a reason for wanting to come. 'where my dreaming' and my hoping and my scheming and my praying and my wishing to be happy will come true.' -titanic. See everyone had such hope and such vision when they came here. What was the first thing they saw? The symbol of hope for our country the lady liberty. Liberty implying fairness and freedom, it brought such a feeling of hope to know the first word they encountered in America was liberty. What did they hear after that though? Rough voices harsh words that they didn't understand, confusion and perhaps a sense of hopelessness. Yet they somehow kept their vision of hope in their minds eye and continued toward its shining ray. But for most of them they were met with new terrors they had never encountered in their homelands, and many of the old ones. Their vision of hope ripped away from them before they had any time to find their way. Ohkay that was a random tangeant ha ha. I was trying to get to the part where I talk about their hope in our country and how we have forgotten. They put so much faith in here, and now we have no faith. No faith in the goodness of the lord or he goodness of people. They had such vision for their lives, we are without vision for our country, we no longer see America as she could be but merely what she is already. So you see we have lost our vision. We stopped realizing what it is that makes our country great. We don't remember what people sacrificed to get here. We forgot what they saw for themselves. We are selfish and need to see the greatness of our country. We need our vision back. I feel like I post stuff like this all the time ha ha. I love our country so God bless America forever. I am going to try to sleep now.

maybe...

Maybe...is a vicious little word that could slay me. -Sara bareilles yea this is very much me right now. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I will go no where. Maybe I will be one of those people look at and say 'I don't want to be like her.' Maybe the world simply doesn't need me anymore. Maybe I am just me...nothing great nothing special just plain Jane average me. I have no where significant to go...so why not go somewhere no one will find me or come looking for me. I don't like maybes in an ideal world we would all be someone special, but God only made room for so many people on the top and so I will lie here...I will never move, failure hurts more than just walking away right? Am I smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I am upset about something? Obviously not. Give me a while I will be okay.

best night ever

I am so happy right now!!!!! It has been one of the best nights in such a long time!! Michael and I hung out, then Ryan came over and we made cookies for lexi and a card. Jameson came over and we took lexi all her stuff and talked for a while then the boys and I left and went to Taylor's house to watch the proposal. We were laughing so hard! So funny! At this point we were all running out of steam and we all just sat on the floor in exhaustion. Ryan had this brilliant idea we go to my house and break out the pillows and blankets...we turned on lord of the rings for background noise, talked for an hour and then zonked out on the floor in this huge mess of blankets. :) howecer we were all dumb and no one set an alarm I woke up 5 minutes before midnight and managed to get everyone out by midnight...who knew just taking a huge party nap on the floor could be so much fun?! Ah (contented sigh) great great night! Happy birthday Taylor, and thanks my boys for just hanging with me! Love you all so much!!!!!!!

bombs.

The world sometimes likes to drop bombs on your head. And it wakes you up...you see things and you want new things and your soul aches to be free and fly away. I have big dreams and I just realized I can live all of them, screw you world if you think anything will stop me now.

hearts

Pain...it is universal. Every human being has it or experiences it. When he looks at me it hurts, not the stupid emotional hurting but a real hurting in my chest that is so quick and so sharp that it brings tears to my eyes. Everyone tell's me he is a dirt bag and I deserve better...I know I deserve better, but maybe I don't want someone better...just him. Sometimes I want to gouge his eyes out so he cant look at me...I guess it gets easier to cope with over time, just not when he plays these horrible mind games with me.

Anyways life other than that is good. We went to the Jimmie's and had a great time. Courtney is coming back in six days. I am leaving for new York Friday, and I get to spend Easter there. And I get my car back when I get home. Yeah I basically love my life!!!! Even if my heart does hurt sometimes. I am better off without him!