maybe...

Maybe...is a vicious little word that could slay me. -Sara bareilles yea this is very much me right now. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I will go no where. Maybe I will be one of those people look at and say 'I don't want to be like her.' Maybe the world simply doesn't need me anymore. Maybe I am just me...nothing great nothing special just plain Jane average me. I have no where significant to go...so why not go somewhere no one will find me or come looking for me. I don't like maybes in an ideal world we would all be someone special, but God only made room for so many people on the top and so I will lie here...I will never move, failure hurts more than just walking away right? Am I smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I am upset about something? Obviously not. Give me a while I will be okay.

best night ever

I am so happy right now!!!!! It has been one of the best nights in such a long time!! Michael and I hung out, then Ryan came over and we made cookies for lexi and a card. Jameson came over and we took lexi all her stuff and talked for a while then the boys and I left and went to Taylor's house to watch the proposal. We were laughing so hard! So funny! At this point we were all running out of steam and we all just sat on the floor in exhaustion. Ryan had this brilliant idea we go to my house and break out the pillows and blankets...we turned on lord of the rings for background noise, talked for an hour and then zonked out on the floor in this huge mess of blankets. :) howecer we were all dumb and no one set an alarm I woke up 5 minutes before midnight and managed to get everyone out by midnight...who knew just taking a huge party nap on the floor could be so much fun?! Ah (contented sigh) great great night! Happy birthday Taylor, and thanks my boys for just hanging with me! Love you all so much!!!!!!!

bombs.

The world sometimes likes to drop bombs on your head. And it wakes you up...you see things and you want new things and your soul aches to be free and fly away. I have big dreams and I just realized I can live all of them, screw you world if you think anything will stop me now.

hearts

Pain...it is universal. Every human being has it or experiences it. When he looks at me it hurts, not the stupid emotional hurting but a real hurting in my chest that is so quick and so sharp that it brings tears to my eyes. Everyone tell's me he is a dirt bag and I deserve better...I know I deserve better, but maybe I don't want someone better...just him. Sometimes I want to gouge his eyes out so he cant look at me...I guess it gets easier to cope with over time, just not when he plays these horrible mind games with me.

Anyways life other than that is good. We went to the Jimmie's and had a great time. Courtney is coming back in six days. I am leaving for new York Friday, and I get to spend Easter there. And I get my car back when I get home. Yeah I basically love my life!!!! Even if my heart does hurt sometimes. I am better off without him!

crap

My week...was quite crappy. It started with lies and worry...and ended with food poisoning. Don't get me wrong there were some good parts, just overall crapiness. Next week will be better.

carmina funniness!

-Ms Jenny doing a barrel roll over the hood of my car
-kalin put salt in Adams drink so he stole my water and left spit on my straw and I threw it in his piazza and got water on it.
-Miranda:gosh why are there so many pregnant ladies! Every time I look up there is another pregnant lady!
Austin.: I DID NOT DO IT!!
-Rachel had 2 drinks and no silverware
-Rachel and Adams salt and pepper fight
-tickling Ryan
-Austin and kalin being creepers
-calling Ryan and asking if I had lipstick on my teeth
-WAFNA!!!
-NAZAZA!!!!
-lexi:guys look this side if the wall is all krunkely, but this side of the wall is all not krunkely!
-shay:guys guys!!! I don't think it swivels...
-tanner had a green life saver on his tongue and he stuck it out at Miranda and it fell in his lap
-Trevor giving Ryan a wet Willie
-Austin and kalin sticking a piece of paper in peoples ears when they fell asleep
-Austin: guys I would be the best tasting barbeque sauce...especially my calves
Malynne:you don't eat barbeque sauce with your calves Austin!
Austin: noise would be the best tasting barbeque sauce not the best taster of barbeque sauce!
-Dr criddle: turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself
Malynne to shay and lexis:hi I'm lexi....wait!
-lexi: I AM GOING TO DIE OF SANDWHICH INHILATION!!!!!
-lexi: ugh! My sandwhich just puked!
-Dr criddle:she is a girl....young and innocent
malynne to lexis and shay: just like us!
Dr criddle:...but coy
malynne: just like us!!!
-malynne to Ryan:how can you be a doctor of music?
Ryan:excuse me sir but I believe your treble clef is broken
Malynne:well that's what happens when you throw carmina Down the stairs!
-Ms Jenny: you cannot play the penis game in there!
-Brandon getting stuck like a pretzel on the bus
-Adams voodoo doll rex...Ronnie? Or Brandon or Robert?
-Austin stole my perfume and I was checking his pockets
-at the mall Elisabeth ran to Ryan from a very long distance yelling 'RYAN! RYAN DITTY IS IT REALLY YOU!?!! She jumped into his embrace while he epicalky spun her around as she broke down in tears. Everyone stopped to watch (as told by Elisabeth)
-I WANT TUNA!!!!!
-malynne:Austin cant eat my piazza he has his own...
Austin:don't worry I'll catch up
-I gave Austin my piazza and Adam wanted some so Austin gave him all of the already bitten pieces
-Haley and Rachel got the wrong dresses
-Ms Jenny told me to pinch lexis for making stupid faces at the camera, and I did
-Elisabeth:next time someone asks for my number I am going to say #1
Trevor: oh yea well I am #4
-Elisabeth:we should have enemies on facebook instead of just friends, and we can decapitated them instead of poke them.
-malynne: don't they have any normal piazza here like peanut butter and jelly!!!!!


Basically carmina was the best weekend in a very long time!!!!!

oddness

Okay so I have these really weird deep down wishes that I dont usually tell people. Like they are weird ha ha I cant even believe that I want them. :p okay so here they are...please still love me.!

1- I want to walk into a room and have everyone be stunned to silence becquse I am so beautiful....
2-I also want to know what it is like to be fatally wounded, and have blood gushing....
3-I want to die in the arms of the person who loves me, and then be granted the choice to return to earth to spend the remainder of my life with them.
4-I want to smash a guitar over someones head
5-I want to get hit in the head with a baseball or a golf ball and get knocked out.
6-I want to sing and have everyone who hears it cry because it is too beattiful to handle
7-I Wanttl to tell someone exactly how I feel about them and not even feel guilty about it!!!
8-I just want to get in my car and keep driving and never look back or stop
9-I want to win a fist fight and slam someone against a wall

These make me sound like super dimented, I never said I would do them I just said they were cool sounding things. Ha ha ha I am such a freak!!!!!