Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I feel like right now I just need a way to get things out of my head and onto something...These thoughts have been running around me for days and are starting to eat me alive. All I want to do is sing. Oh man, when I'm singing I lose myself. For just a few moments I forget about all of the crappy things happening and the different stresses that I have and It's just me and the notes. I know how to hit them. I know how they're supposed to sound. It comes easy. Then the song ends and I have to remember that I can't do this all the time because I am a normal civilized person who works in an office and lives with a roommate in a basement apartment. I envy people who sing and who get to lose themselves in it forever...Why can't I just do that? Why does it have to be so stinkin' hard? I feel like finally stating my need to sing was something brave of me, but now what. I can't pack up and move to L.A. with nothing can I? Am I good enough to make it big from right where I'm at? Do I actually have enough drive to do this at all? Gosh what am I thinking!? How dare I actually think that I could be successful right? Man. I want it so bad, but thoughts come into my head and just drown out everything positive in my life. They leave me feeling like an impractical child who can't possibly do something like this. Am I just afraid that I can do it? Why don't I do something about it...I really think my biggest fear is that I can actually do it. I am afraid of me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I absolutely love the temple. The beautiful feeling and the blessings that you obtain there make it the best place in the world. I would go back everyday if I could. I love singing the song 'I love to see the temple' now that I have gone through, that is the reason that I am going on a mission, to bring people home to the temple. I am so blessed to have my family, and my friends, and the beautiful gospel in my life. I am so excited to go to Montana and teach God's children there! only 8 days left!!!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I won't forget you...but I wonder if you will remember me. I wonder when you are lonely if my face will come into your mind and your heart will ache. Am I worth remembering? I guess we will find out in 21 days.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

There are forces in this world that aren't seen. I didn't used to believe in them as I do now. I couldn't feel their presence like I do now. I can physically feel the influence of the powers of both God and his angels, and the devil and his followers. They enwrap me in these feelings of such complete and utter despair, or complete and utter peace and love. I know all the way to my core that God loves me, and that I am going to be okay. I also know that he gave me things that were hard. It is like a shot, you suffer through moments of small pain so that you don't have incredible suffering in the future. We look up at our God with tears in our eyes and ask "why?" over and over and over again. Today those feelings of complete despair enclosed me, like they seem to be doing more and more often the closer I get to leaving on my mission, and I looked to the heavens and cried out "Why?". I heard a voice telling me I was okay that I just had to get through a little pain first, and everything would be all right. I thought the voice was my dad, but my dad was upstairs in bed. I ignored what I heard and allowed those awful feelings to overwhelm me again. I heard the voice again and I know I knew the voice from somewhere I just couldn't name it. Then I could physically feel someone put their arms around me and hold me close...I have never felt the presence of God so literally and physically right there with me. I love the Lord with all my heart, I am grateful for the beautiful people in Montana that I haven't met yet. I am grateful for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and family. But more than anything I am grateful for my father in heaven, and for the knowledge that he loves me enough to just take a moment to hold me close and let me know he is not going to leave me comfortless.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

I am still having shakes and nightmares about the crash yesterday. I keep hearing it and feeling the windshield rain down on me. I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I feel so discouraged. For reasons I don't presently wish to discuss I am having more setbacks with my mission papers. I just want to go! I know that there are people out there who need the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I don't want them to have to wait a second longer than they have to. It is something that has blessed my life so much and I don't want anyone to be without it. I went to the temple today, and I got to do twenty five names! Needless to say I was feeling pretty drowned afterwards, but the feeling that entered into my soul while I was in the temple, for the people who I was doing names for, the people who were there with me, my family, and the people I will go and serve on my mission was such a powerful wave of love that I couldn't remember feeling happier. This happens every time I go to the temple. Then hours after I get back, Satan finds a way into my soul to crush the feeling that I had. It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like even through all your desire to go, you still have to wait. Everything in the Lords time, line upon line, precept on precept...patience is not something I have ever been good at. For now I guess all I can do is 'Cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you' Jacob 6:5, and pray for patience.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I should study for my biology test, but there are so many better things to do...like mourn the fact that I didn't study for my biology test last night because I fell asleep. Posting on my blog works too. Or I can sit here and just look forlornly at my biology book sitting in front of me. I know I should open that book, but I am afraid of what's inside :( ugh stupid freakin' biology!